FRIENDS: Surely a wonderful gift?
Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend.
Plautus
If we have really good friends, the kind we can share happy times, bad times and our most embarrassing red-faced moments with, we’re fortunate beyond measure. Even one single friend who falls into the latter category can make all the difference in the world. In fact, it may be one of the greatest gifts that life can give us.
Pondering upon how to define a friend, for once the Shorter Oxford simply didn’t cut it. So I looked for some quotes credited to ‘Anonymous’ or sometimes ‘Author Unknown.’ Here are a just a few.
Friends are those rare people who ask how you are and then wait for theanswer. Who’s never needed to have a moan? Like spring cleaning, a hearty moan can be quite cathartic. You definitely need a friend with patience for this. Plus a listening ear that that’s never heard the word ‘judgemental!’
A good friend is cheaper than therapy. See above! The same rule applies.
The best kind of friend is the one you could sit on a porch with, never saying a word and walk away feeling as if that was the best conversation you’ve had. It’s a grand thing to sit in companionable silence and not feel obliged to make noises that sound more like wittering than conversation.
A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg, even if you are half-cracked! Especially when, for the umpteenth time, you’ve come up with some absolutely daft idea that would take shedloads of money and half a lifetime to bring to fruition. Great, though, the friend who lightens the load by laughing with you over some of the more farcical aspects of being human.
Friends are like walls. Sometimes you lean on them, and sometimes it’s good just knowing they are there. Even if you decide you don’t want to involve them in your latest predicament, just the very fact there’s someone you can count on, makes all the difference.
Years ago, researching a play for BBC Radio 4 on rape and assault I went into quite a few prisons to meet offenders. My purpose was to ask questions, listen and try to understand what had precipitated their behaviour. Most of them had had harsh and disturbing experiences often long before they committed the acts they did. One of my many questions was, ‘What would have made a difference in your life’, the sub-text of course being, what would have helped and prevented the violent acts that occurred.
The most frequent answer was, ‘A friend. If I’d had a friend…’ And one man, serving life, spelled it out. ‘I wanted someone to listen. I think if that listening ear had been there and somebody to go to – that might have stopped it.’
It seems simple enough to listen. Apparently some research indicates that we spend 30% of our time speaking and 45% listening. Yet it also indicates most of us are poor and inefficient listeners!
Listening is perhaps more of an art than we realise. It involves not just our ears, but our whole heart and mind. For any of us to confide our greatest hopes, our most cherished beliefs, and our darkest secrets to another human being involves a profound level of trust. The faintest whiff of, ‘Whatever were you thinking of?’ or ‘How could you possibly have been such an eejit?’ or even the mere hint of a raised eyebrow can be enough to send a fellow member of the human race scuttling away.
Listening is a great gift that true friends give and receive from one another. But there’s no reason on earth why it shouldn’t be extended far more widely. Not only to strangers, but to animals, birds, trees, insects and every living thing. Why ever not?