FORGIVENESS: Is it the only solution?
Forgive your worst enemy. It will heal your soul and set you free.
Eva Kor
The New York Times has run competitions over the years, including one for the ‘Saddest Words in the English Language.’ My all time winner would be the sentence that begins, ‘I will never forgive him…her…them for…’ whatever the offence might have been. ‘I can never forgive him…her…them’ is almost as sad.
Without being boringly pedantic, ‘will’ implies not only determination but also the future and thus, one is saying, effectively, ‘Not now, not ever.’ That’s a tragic statement to make, no matter how heinous the deed. ‘I can never forgive’ is more hopeful because there’s a possibility of future movement, even if at the present time it’s incredibly difficult. Forgiveness, as some are wont to say, is a ‘process.’ Unfortunately, the longer it takes to forgive, the more we suffer.
It’s understandable if individuals or groups who’ve witnessed or been subjected to some of mankind’s darkest deeds continue to hold anger and a desire for revenge. To consider offering your tormentors forgiveness, might seem a totally inappropriate suggestion to those caught up in the brutal wars in Africa or the Middle East, the massacres in Syria or the still vibrating nightmare of the Holocaust .
Equally, how can you possibly say to a bereft mother or father, it’s in your best interests to forgive the individual who murdered your child? Or to suggest it’s wiser to forgive the human being who was violently cruel to a helpless animal or vulnerable old person? In what way can you make the case for forgiveness to the bereaved family of a son or daughter fatally injured by a drunken driver? Or indeed to anyone who’s enduring a lifetime of pain and disability through another’s carelessness or incompetence? And what of the innocent young, abused physically, sexually or psychologically by those they had every reason to trust? Such things can distort the human spirit for generations. We all know that.
Yet Eva Kor, a survivor of Auschwitz and the almost unbelievably cruel experiments of Dr Mengele says ,‘Forgiveness is a way of healing oneself from pain, trauma, and tragedy. It’s a means of self-liberation and empowerment.’ Now eighty-four and living in mid-western America, she’s become a tireless forgiveness campaigner. For a while, this made her unpopular. On a global basis, our culture hasn’t yet fully embraced the idea that it’s wiser, kinder and profoundly more life-enhancing to find the courage and strength to forgive, rather than harbour a poisonous mixture of resentment, anger and guilt. Guilt because, very often, the one we hold most deeply responsible is ourselves, sometimes through our failure to protect the innocent and the vulnerable. We’re all aware of our need to offer and receive love, but part of our love is held prisoner as long as we’re unable to forgive.
Anthony Ray Hinton has a profound understanding of this. An African-American who served thirty long years on death row for two murders he didn’t commit, was finally declared innocent and released three years ago. In his recently published book The Sun Does Shine, Hinton demonstrates the extraordinary powers of faith, endurance and the human spirit. He left jail saying he’d keep on praying for the men who’d put him behind bars. He was never going to let them, as he put it, ‘Steal my joy.’
Without the slightest doubt, there are countless thousands of men and women, often unknown and unsung, who’ve witnessed or been victims of the most shocking cruelty and oppression, yet have somehow managed to forgive their oppressors or assailants. By a miracle of grace, understanding and compassion they’ve succeeded in overcoming the desire for revenge. Probably not until, as both Eva Kor and Anthony Hinton frankly and honestly admit, they’ve passed through years of profound anger.
From whatever their philosophical or spiritual background, all those who’ve learned the art of forgiving realise it’s essential to happiness, no matter how dark the past. ‘Seventy-times seven’ was never some piece of casual rhetoric. Nor was the admonition to turn the other cheek merely a bit of idealistic advice. Such responses are the only route to happiness and peace. Anything else, ultimately, just repeats the painful pattern. It may be against the way of the world as we’ve learned it over many generations. But now we’re in a different millennium and continuing our old ways, as individuals or as nations is not an option.
Eva Kor points out, ‘Forgiveness is like a prescription or medicine for physical health and well-being.’ It’s medicine we all have to take. Our only option individually, and as a global community, is how much time elapses before we do. In my own life, I’m trying to remind myself to judge less and love more.